For ages when asked if I played in Beyond Terror Beyond Grace I would just say yes. It was far easier than explaining what I was really doing. I did their artwork for the album, I wrote noise for their album, and I just hung out with them for 3ish years filming, loading in and out and everything that comes with playing in a band, besides playing. I think it started because I was underage and we had to lie and say I played in the band in order to get me into venues. And it worked for the 2 years I was underage with the exception of one night where I said somebody else could have my spot, and from the sounds of it it was one of the most painful gigs ever.

Even people in other bands who knew me and the guys would naturally say I was in the band, mostly because it was easier. It all seemed to stop a bit when I started going to different shows on my own and once a few people realised I actually make my own music. I got my own identity or something. Then there was the split between the band and I which made things very distinct between them and I. Today though a friend told somebody I used to play in the band. In passing conversation I couldn't really be bothered to correct it. After hanging out with them so long and doing stuff for the band, knowing everything about them, the only difference is semantics. Everybody who needs to know knows, or at least gets the idea.

For me I'm pretty comfortable with it, it was a big part of my life for a while. It was ages ago since shit hit the fan between us all, and while I get curious to what they're doing, I no longer miss it.

When we we're kids we used to play “whoever you want to be”. The idea is simple, but we never played long because there's never a winner and the game really just doesn't make sense. How the fuck am I supposed to know if the ghost busters lazers will work on predator, or if the biker mice from mars could beat up captain planet.

Now though we individually play these little games, idolising certain people, even if it isn't the same way the media thinks we're all drones and looking to be one way and one way only. And I don't now want to be just one person, I want to mix and match bit and pieces that I think are awesome. Physically it's easier to just say what I don't like about myself than to say “I want that nose” or “I want those arms”, mostly because it's daft and it just won't happen like that. But the things I can look to are ambitions, career choices, the way people started out before they made it big and so on.

Still just a little kid in the end though.

Originally this blog I'm supposed have taken a week to write was a big thing about bigots, religion, homophobia, sexuality and relationships. I just deleted it though. It was wanky and drawn out, and the end result to each thing I wanted to talk about isn't all that complex.

The religious people have their views on many things and while I acknowledge and understand them I don't believe or take note of it in my own thinking, although it is a helpful way to predict and figure out what most people think. I feel the same way about bigots, I get it, but I don't care.

The majority of people extend their views of relationships beyond that to what the media has implied, and what they have been raised to see.

Then there are those more accepting of alternative relationship possibilities and different sexuality, and those totally accepting of it. This is generally where people who are in alternative relationships or are bi/gay/etc. fall as well, although that's not always the case.

Alternative relationships I don't think will work for me personally. Just dealing with one person at a time can be complex enough without dating multiple people. Swingers and wife swappers I understand but there's something very unusual about that situation I'm yet to trust, that said if you truly separate sex from other emotions and thoughts then maybe it can work, along with orgies, inviting a 3^rd person into a sexual relationship and so on. I think the age gap of people in a relationship is totally up to the individuals, though I can't imagine a 13 year old agreeing to have sex with someone much older really realises what they're doing, though 2 consenting parties are 2 consenting parties, statutory rape is (as I understand it) pretty bullshit.

The idea that homosexuals can't adopt angers me, especially when 14 year old girls who can't take care of themselves are able to have children. I can't fight for gay marriage though as a religious act, perhaps I'm missing something not being religious though, that's not my battle though. I do believe that gay couples have the right to be legally acknowledged in the same way though. I extend that to giving somebody you know and trust the right to be you next of kin instead of family you never see but are biologically linked to and so on.

Relationships I haven't got a solid answer to though. I think dating is a tense and somewhat ridiculous idea. If I'm going to be in a relationship with someone I want it to be somebody I hang out with with other friends, not someone I know only as a date. I suppose though the only difference is where it starts, but if you want to hang out can't you just hang out without putting a title on it?

I was going to make this more personal but it's the same information really, and I haven't written anything personal in a while besides my poetry which is often half truth, hyperbole and mixed up parts from different stories thrown into one broader idea. Maybe I'll ease myself into some brutal truth soon though.